‘n Paar vir Klip

Oktober 4, 2013 at 9:06 nm 28 Kommentaar

‘n Paar oues, maar dit bly vrek snaaks!

Gister het ek by ‘n robot stilgehou waar ‘n man gestaan het met ‘n kartonbord wat lees “help, no job. 2 days without food”

Vanoggend het ek weer daar gestop en soos dit maar gaan het ek my bes probeer om hom mis te kyk. Ek kon nie. Dit het my vreeslik gepla. Ek kon toe net nie meer hou nie en roep hom nader.

Ek krap toe orals in my kar rond. Gelukkig kry ek toe ‘n koukie pen en help hom reg. Dis vandag dag 3.

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Ek sien nounet n veearts se bakkie met die volgende bumper sticker:

“Ek’s n veearts, ek ry soos n dier”.

Toe dink ek so by myself, daar is darm baie ginekoloë ook op ons paaie!

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Blondine koop 3 swangerskapstoetse en al 3 wys positief…

Sy vee die trane af en sê: “Jissie, ek weet nie hoe ek vir ‘n drieling gaan sorg nie!”

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Seun vat sy meisie na die matriekafskeid toe en tel haar op by haar huis, maar hy het nog nooit haar ouers ontmoet nie en is maar nervous.

Haar pa maak die deur oop en laat hom inkom. Terwyl hy by die trap staan en wag, kyk haar pa hom so op en af. Die seun het ‘n swart hoed met n wit band, ‘n swart pak, ‘n wit belt en wit skoene aan.

Pa: “Mafia?”

Seun: “Nee oom, ons hou nog net hande vas…”

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Twee tannies gesels.

Ansie (82): “Raak jy nog soms lus?”
Betsie (91): “Ja,dan suig ek sommer ‘n lifesaver.”

Ansie: “My hel Betsie, hoe de moer kom jy op die strand?”

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2 Moffies loop in die park en sien ‘n vrou alleen stap deur die bosse…

Die een sê: “Kom ons val haar aan!”
“Ja!” sê die ander een. “Dan hou jy haar vas, dan doen ek haar hare…”

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Ek word mos vanoggend wakker met ‘n helse babelas en my buurman se grassnyer wat raas in my ore. Ek reken toe, te hel daarmee, hy moet maar net om my sny, ek staan nie nou op nie…

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‘n Grap is n grap maar jy plak nie ‘n ”Arrive Alive” sticker op ‘n lykswa nie!

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My vrou was vreeslik beindruk toe sy hoor hoe baie geld ek elke maand vir Charity gee…

Maar sy was hoogs bef** toe sy uitvind Charity werk by Teazers!

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Kallie loop vir Mike in die hospitaal raak.

Kallie: “En toe, ou Mike, wat soek jy hier?”

Mike: “Ag, ou Kallie man, hulle het my opgedônner in die kroeg, en toe moes ek tien steke kry.”

Kallie (baie beïndruk): “Jislaaik, ek is al ‘n week hier, en ek het nog nie eens ‘n soentjie gekry nie.”

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Twee ouens sit en gesels.Die een ou sê: “Ek kan nie wag om by die huis te kom en my vrou se g-string af te ruk nie.”

Ander ou: “Is jy so jags?”

Eerste ou: “Nee man ek dra hom en die ding maak my gat seer!”

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‘n Vrou bel die Nelspruitse Polisiestasie en sê: ‘My man het twee dae gelede aartappels gaan koop en is nog nie terug nie!’

Daar is ‘n lang pouse voor die polisievrou verbaas sê: ‘Eish Madam! Kan jy nie maar iets anders kook nie?’

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Die dogtertjie se vir haar ma: “Ma, die seuns by die skool wil die heeltyd he ek moet wawiele maak vir hulle!”

Die ma sê toe: “Moenie dit doen nie, hulle wil net jou panty sien” Die dogetrtjie se toe: “Ek weet, dis hoekom ek hom in my tas bere”.

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‘n Klomp miere loop teen Prins Charles se been op.

Skoenlapper vlieg verby en vra: ‘Waarheen is julle oppad?’

Miere antwoord: ‘Na die koninklike bal!’

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28 Kommentaar Add your own

  • 1. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 7:06 vm

    Baie dankie Olga ! Dis lekker om die dag met n lekker bree glimlag te begin

    Antwoord
  • 2. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:21 nm

    One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

    A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”

    To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”

    Antwoord
  • 3. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:23 nm

    Organizers of the first “National Orgasm Week” held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained.

    It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.

    Antwoord
  • 4. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:24 nm

    One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!”

    Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time.”

    Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

    Little Johnny said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were ‘pulling out,’ and mommy said that ‘you should wait because she was coming, too….’

    “And I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!”

    Antwoord
    • 5. Olga  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 5:50 nm

      wha ha ha ha.

      Antwoord
  • 6. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:26 nm

    Words to live by …

    Sometimes you are sad….and no one sees your tears.

    Sometimes you are happy….and no one sees your smile.

    But fart just ONE time…..

    Antwoord
    • 7. Olga  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 5:49 nm

      Ken ek dit nie maar net te goed nie?

      Antwoord
  • 8. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:30 nm

    Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?”

    “Because I’m thinking of buying these horses.”

    Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away!”

    “Why?” his father asked.

    “Because the yard man stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!”

    Antwoord
  • 9. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:36 nm

    A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

    Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.”

    The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

    “Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

    Antwoord
    • 10. Olga  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 5:48 nm

      Eisj, was seker maar ‘n Poolse word.

      Antwoord
  • 11. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:49 nm

    Elle McPherson, Helena Christensen and Naomi Campbell were on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and the worst weather conditions, and the possibility that the plane may crash.

    The girls were all anxious and thought their plane may crash. They all rush to put their seat belts on, and Elle is busy un-buttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised and ask her what she is doing.

    Elle said , “well, if the plane crashes, and we go down, when the rescuers come down, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first.”

    Helena then gets out her compact and starts putting on her make up and brushes her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she’s doing, and say it’s a waste of time, especially since they are going to crash. Helena then said, “well, when the plane crashes and we go down, and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl, and they will rescue me first.”

    To Elle’s and Helena’s shock and horror, Naomi undoes her seat belt and starts to pull her pants down, and then slips her panties off. The girls ask Naomi what she is doing, and she said: ” God, you guys are dumb. Everyone knows the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box!”

    Antwoord
  • 12. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 3:54 nm

    A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

    “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

    “Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

    “There are three types.” replies the clerk, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

    Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

    The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”

    Antwoord
  • 13. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 4:11 nm

    Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”

    “Sister Mary Katherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

    “Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. “It helps her constipation, you know.”

    So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered.

    She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

    A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, “Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”

    Sister Mary K. didn’t miss a beat as she replied, “And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she’s gonna shit!”

    Antwoord
  • 14. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 4:14 nm

    Apple announced today it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

    The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

    Antwoord
  • 15. Klip  |  Oktober 5, 2013 om 5:34 nm

    The success of the ‘Wonder Bra’ for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.

    It’s called the ‘Sheep Dog Bra’… it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

    Antwoord
  • 17. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 11:10 vm

    I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered fat free French fries.

    I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

    “Just a minute!” I said. ‘Those aren’t fat free.”

    “Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes. . . . The fat is free!”

    Antwoord
  • 19. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:32 nm

    The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.

    Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

    The dying man said nothing.

    The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

    The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

    The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody

    Antwoord
  • 20. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:33 nm

    Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

    “Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

    The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

    “Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

    Antwoord
  • 21. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:34 nm

    A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

    1 bar of soap
    1 toothbrush
    1 tube toothpaste
    1 loaf of bread
    1 pint of milk
    1 single serving cereal
    1 single serving frozen dinner

    The guy at the checkout looks at her and says “Single, are you?”

    The woman replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”

    He replies, “Because you’re damned ugly.”

    Antwoord
  • 22. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:35 nm

    Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

    The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

    The second one says: “Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”

    The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 16:30 and he is home by 15:45″!!

    Antwoord
  • 23. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:36 nm

    A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

    Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s ass was that eye staring right back at him.

    “You know,” said the doctor, “you really have to learn to trust me.”

    Antwoord
  • 25. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:37 nm

    Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

    Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, “Well, you just ask Mom. She’ll tell you it’s much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!”

    Antwoord
  • 26. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:45 nm

    *Language*!! NSFW

    Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, “Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . “

    “Stop — I *don’t* permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

    A few minutes later the gent tried again, “People say about the Pope … “

    “No religion talk, either,” the bartender cut in.

    “Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?”

    “Sure.”

    “Then fuck you.”

    Antwoord
  • 28. Klip  |  Oktober 6, 2013 om 6:47 nm

    Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

    “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

    “No, that’s not it at all.” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

    Antwoord

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